The beard has become cool.

I’m not saying I get off on it. I’m not saying I have a problem with it.

I am merely stating that an abundance of facial hair is no longer a sign of laziness, lack of employment, or being mentally deranged.

How has this happened?

The beard was always the domain of the uncle. Now its filtering down to the youth. Bearded teenagers. Puberty isn’t that cool. Get over your ability to grow hair from your face holes.

If I could grow a beard I would. I would shave it off on a yearly basis and make pillows with the shavings. I would also hide animals in it, travel to Stewart island, and muck up an eco system.

How has the beard become OK?

Why with irony, of course.

It seems you can do whatever the hell you like, if you do it ‘ironically’.

You can wear ridiculous 80′s ties, and David Bain jerseys, as long as you know, that we know, that you know, that we know you look ridiculous.

The ‘ironic’ trucker hat was a big thing ten years ago. Lets go one up, I want to see ‘ironic’ safety helmets hi-vis vests.

I want to stab the lady who screams when the going gets tough during my gym class. Stab her ironically. I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that it is a bit extreme and uncalled for.

Have we become that smug?  ”Yes, I am dressing like a 50-year-old who works at New World, but I can totally pull it off, because I know that I look like hired help. Those poor women have no idea….”

I am guilty of this myself. I found an old track and field top that has ‘Lower Hutt’ sprawled across the chest. I wear it ironically. I got asked by an enthusiastic barista if I was ‘also from the Hutt’, to which I laughed maniacally and retorted, a little bit too defensively, ‘Hell no, I just thought it would be hilarious to be from the Hutt!’

What a tosser. I am from Dannevirke, for crying out loud, yet I have the gumption to laugh at people from the Hutt.

I am OK with beards. I don’t have strong feelings either way. But I do wonder if it would be OK to grow my leg hair to a plaitable length, if I did it with a sense of irony.